The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with
my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and
said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and
sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful
father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the
two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and
asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! I'm
sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's
a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about
the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"One pence?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 pence," the bartender replied.
"Four pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my
love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in
his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "just relax and let the
poison work."