[ Outline ] · Standard · Linear+ Philosophy- dying

[Janie]

Sometimes it's hard to jump into a place and discuss your deepest thoughts, but there are some things I think about and I may as well put them down where I've been invited to.

I have been given a timeline for living. I'm sort of used to it now, although I still think of it every day. It took care of that old question "Would you want to know, or not want to know." I was already told.

It changes so many things. Each day or week things get a little bit harder. You don't run out and get a boyfriend because it wouldn't be fair to drag someone else through this. You don't talk about it with those closest to you because it causes them pain. You just dance alone. And dancing alone sucks.

Another saying: "Live each day as though it were your last." A good saying, but as the end nears you get tireder, things hurt more. You don't have the strength to be the good example to everyone. Why would you want to live like that?

I hope someone will talk to me about this.

[Janie]

I was in an ambulance going to the hospital, having the second heart attack right on top of the first one. I can't explain the pain to you, only that it was more than a body can bear. I remember thinking that I wanted to die because I couldn't hold up under any more of it. Lifetimes later, or it could have been just moments I was not there any more.

There was a mountain before me made of pure light. Like the pain, a thing which cannot be adequately described. I saw glowing trees on it, and roots sticking out from the rocks. Near my feet was a river. It reflected all this beauty from the mountain. While looking in the river I felt others around me. Looking up I saw many people that I knew. My parents and grandparents. My Brother. My daughter. Neighbors from my childhood. And also some people I didn't recognize in appearance, but I did in heart.

I was surrounded and infused with their love, we communicated without words. How much I had missed them. How at home I felt now.

My brother stepped forward. He held out his arms and I was enclosed in his army jacket. I could feel his warmth and I could smell him. I took in deep breaths of him. He told me I would have to go back this time, but the next time it would be up to me.

The next thing I remember is being in the hospital, machines all hooked up to me, alarms going off, people shouting and lights blaring. And I was absolutely enraged at having to be there.