Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Customer stories, resurrection with a look to past..

[Deepone]

Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists
PHARMACY | MOUNT HOLLY, NJ, USA | TOP
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh…okay.”

(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”


Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones
LIQUOR STORE | WILLIMANTIC, CT, USA | TOP
(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”


Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart
PET STORE | JENSEN BEACH, FL, USA | TOP
(It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)


We Need One Of These In Every Store
HARDWARE STORE | VANCOUVER ISLAND, CANADA | TOP
Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”

Nice customer: “Okay, thanks.”

Angry customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”

Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive, I’m just checking our other loc-”

Angry customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”

(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)

(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)


As The Checkout Line Churns
CLOTHING STORE, RETAIL | PHILADELPHIA, PA, USA | TOP
(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [mom's name]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father's name]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh…no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”


You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
CALL CENTER | CHATSWORTH, CA, USA | TOP
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”



A Heady Proposition
RETAIL | PENNSYLVANIA, USA | TOP
Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead 9 months…)

Female customer: “Is your name ***?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)



Fighting Fire With Fire
RESTAURANT | BELGIUM | TOP
(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

Father: *beaming* “No.”

Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”

Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”

Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

Customer 3: Hold on…”

(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

Father: *still beaming* “No.”

Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

Father: “You’re lying.”

Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)



Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk
HARDWARE STORE | NEW YORK, NY, USA | TOP
Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*


Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining
COLLEGE | KANSAS, USA | TOP
(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

[Deepone]

No-one replied yet so here's one more.. how are they ? :)

Unlimited Cluelessness Plan
CELLPHONE STORE | NY, USA | TECH SUPPORT
(A woman comes storming through the doors. She blasts by other customers who are waiting in line and slams her phone onto the counter.)

Me: “Is there something I can–”

Customer: “This phone you sold me is a piece of s***!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work! I can’t get any calls on it!”

Me: “Let me take a look.”

(I pick up the phone and begin to examine it as the woman continues to rant and rave.)

Customer: “I paid a ridiculous amount of money for this thing! I can’t believe you would charge me so much for something that doesn’t even work! What is the world coming to? Have you no shame? Do you do this to all your customers?”

Me: “I think I see the problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes? And?”

Me: “This is a TV remote.”

(All the other customers are watching, dead silent.)

Customer: *mutters* “I…I think I must have…grabbed the wrong…”

(She snatches her remote and flees the store. As soon as she disappears, the entire store bursts into laughter.)