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[Janie]

The Spoon Theory

The Spoon Theory

My best friend and I were in the diner talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me this time, with a kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have ...... and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about ....... She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know? I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of ........ Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have ......”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands. I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices, or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of choice, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case ......., being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of "spoons". But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started yet. I’ve wanted more "spoons" for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has .........

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said " No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can't take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too." I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her a spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s "spoons", but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day's plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count "spoons".

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding ....., but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons".

[Ratrap]

Well, yeah but if you think about how long my life was/will be i made the decision not to take the stress.

[Ratrap]

Wow ... I've thought that no one could bring my feelings to a point like that.

It was great to read that, thank you.

And no one knows how many spoons i have every day and that i can't even use them for everything i want because i feel like a bird in a cage with broken wings ...

[Janie]

That was good, wasn't it Ratrap? It can help other people to understand too. Feel free to copy it and keep it for whoever you need to make understand. It helped me explain things a lot of times.
I wish you extra spoons today.

[Ratrap]

I will, thank you :)

[Janie]

I was really sad today. I don't tell to many people on other forums, but I have been sliding downhill. A little over a year ago when I got this defib. implanted (it has a resynchronization device in it) I knew it was a stop gap measure. Little by little I have been losing the energy to do lots of things. Like walk a short distance, or stay awake for long.
A friend of mine validated that today. He said he has been watching me go downhill for awhile now. That the inplant gave me another year, and maybe I'd make it a year more. I had to not cry on the phone.
At least he didn't tell me to keep trying, as if I wasn't.
But I got really sad, and I don't know why.

[Ratrap]

I would like to kick your friends ass. Just a few times!!!

You are not going "downhill" Your body does maybe.

Are you scared?

[Janie]

I've asked my friend to be honest with me. It's hard for him too, so don't be too angry!

I'm not scared. Just sad. I know it will pass, the sad part. My sleep time is increasing now. It's a pretty good meter of things.

[Ratrap]

I wish my sleep times would increase, 23hours a day sleeping must be wonderful :-/

[Janie]

You're a goofball. I love that!!

[Janie]

Not doing very well at all. I'm waiting for the cardiologist to call back. Sometimes this is the scary part. Not the doctor, but the not doing well. I feel another angiogram looming. I hope not!!

[Ratrap]

All i can do is hope for you :(

I am doing pretty good since a few days. Hope you will too.

[Deepone]

hope you two can manage it.. I'm healthy, or so they say, but I kinda think that at any moment I have to be prepared for death as well. When I was small child my heart echoed or something. in other words, the other side of heart pumped later than the other or double cycles or something. Been said it was so minor it didnt need a surgery, and that it had healed on itself.
well, I dont know about that since when I was 15 or so I had a heart-attack. before and after that my heart had ached pretty badly sometimes as well. luckily, that hasnt been so often lately. Just had some trouble with my hip, due to an injury that I got from the army (and their department of insurance say that it doesnt look like its caused by the accident I had there). I havent actually lived so bad life so far, even tho I have many times been very depressed.
In the end, I kinda think I have gained something from all this. I keep going forward, try not to look too much into past.. I try to enjoy all the little things in life. That spoon theory is quite good one tho, I hope you dont mind if I post it to my friends ? maybe it will be yet another chain-letter to circle the world, but maybe some would actually understand it. kinda know of persons who would put it onward as well, but I'll wait for your permission first.
Let's enjoy all the moments we have left. We dont exactly know how many of them we still have, but its worth it to have them. We never know what happens. And well, yes, I agree that there are things that one shouldnt know. Or they can get to be a huge burden. Or, a huge reserve of energy.

[Janie]

Permission granted Deepone.

That was a good posting. I liked a lot of your points and was wondering.... do you think a person has to go through a near brush to appreciate life? So many seem to think it's just a disposable thing. Gang shootings, etc.

Whatever happens with you Deepone, listen to what your body is telling you. Even if it means trips to the ER, you might just save yourself some damage.

I did something I have not done in a very long time. I talked heart to heart with my Dad. He died in 2000. He was my best friend. I guess i fully expected an answer from him, because I do believe he lives on. I've seen him. And I got what I needed. Just one sentence, but it gave me the strength to keep up the fight for life.

[Janie]

I went to the doctor's yesterday and the cardiologist the day before.

Some good news is that my fatigue is not due to my heart. It is still pumping away as good as it possibly can.

Yesterday I had blood tests for liver failure, anemia, and some sort of bone marrow problem. All which can be caused by the drugs I'm on. And they all can cause fatigue. I was also put on a new drug which should help keep me awake longer during the daytime. Today is my first day taking it.