...I hate today, I hate this stuff that keeps happening.
I was in the hospital today with my Oh so cheerful hospital demeanor. The one that's something like "Go ahead, I can take some more bad news. After all, I am strong and heroic!"
So, I have a myelogram, because I can't have an MRI with this defibrillator implant. Myelograms are painful. I even yelled at one point when the pain was shooting down my legs and they made me roll over. I don't usually yell.
I have a disk cutting off some nerves that go down my legs. It's been hurting me to stand.
One more thing wrong. I want to yell and cry and beat something up, but instead I have to put on the smile and be oh so heroic Janie, who can take anything.
I hate this!!!

Why do you need to be that?

I am the tough evil bastard because i want to, not because i need to.

hm.. at one point I was .. having some hard time. didnt have anyone to get into me, had this so called shield around my heart if you know what I mean. and I mean in the class of nuclear shelters shields, way over those too. so, long story short, I just said evil stuff to ppl, no matter what they did I always had something witty to say. like when someone cursed "f*ck" I replied "you in that bad need of it ?" - this quickly earned me a reputation of "prophet" at the school.. high school that is. that's kinda funny memento these days anyway.. later on I've got to loosen up, and found that good.
but Janie, I'm askin the same as ratrap, what's the need ? I know I didnt anymore give a damn about anythin and that's why I started to do whatever I thought to do, without further thoughts. have done some very stupid things, but well, at least I've got something to laugh at... myself =) these days I have people and things I care a lot about, thought. still kinda like that, for other reasons tho. cuz I feel its good thing for me.
and ratrap, why you want to be that way ?

I am this way because I've never thrown temper tantrums in public I guess. Plus, it can be a little scary being a crab ass with the people who hold the ability to cause a lot of pain, to make you well or not.
Most of the time, believe it or not, I hug them. And that's because I want to. I guess it's a small reminder that I am a human being, not just a case file.
I got upset at home today. It's nobody's fault that my body is falling apart.

I got the results of my myelogram a few days ago. It's taken this long for it all to sink in.
I was expecting the doc to say I had a disk poking out. He did. He also had a load of other news for me. My entire spine is degenerating. The vertebrae are compressing, there is calcification in the spinal column and in the ligaments. It is full of arthritis. On top of that I got the great news that it will continue to degenerate and get worse.
My Dad ended up not being able to stand or walk because of this same thing.
I have the choice of going to see the neurosurgeon, or seeing a pain control doctor. I chose the pain control. I go for surgery if that doesn't work.
But, for today, I am the same as I was last week, and the month before.