2 guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other & says
"Right, time I was going home, the wife
only lets me have 4 beers"
His friend says,
"No, no, no, that'll never do.
You should do what I do.
Drink as many beers as you can fit down you, follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon!
Then go home, shove your head under the
blanket & lick your wifes pussy like crazy, she WONT complain after, trust me!"
So the 1st guy says "FUCK IT!!",, gets
tanked and wobbles home.
After he stumbles up the stairs he opens the bedroom door, and without hesitation,
dives under the blanket and licks away!

After 5 minutes he figures "Right, best
go wash up or she'll never kiss me like this "
So of to the bathroom he goes.
When he gets there he see's his wife, laid there in the bath reading a book.
"What the fuck!!" he shouts out.
"SHUSH!!" she wispers back to him
"You'll wake your mother!!"


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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

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A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A lady goes into an adult store and decides she wants a dildo. The guy behind the counter shows her a few but she doesn't like any of them and tells him so. The guy says, "Well, we have a special one that's 150 dollars. It's called the magic dildo. Whenever you say "Magic dildo my: something" it starts screwing you there. So she buys it and leaves. While she's driving back home she decides to try it out and says "Magic dildo my shoulder!" and it starts humping her shoulder. She's pleased and says "Magic dildo my pussy!" and it starts screwing her there. It works so well that she can't control the car and starts swerving all over the road. A cop is parked nearby and sees her swerving and figures it's another drunk. He pulls her over and asks her what she's doing swerving all over like that. She says "I'm sorry officer but I just bought a magic dildo and it was distracting me." The cop has heard some wild excuses but this one takes the cake. He says, "Yeah, right. Magic dildo my ass."

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a guy sits down in the first row of a strip club.when the show starts this hot dancer takes off her dress and a row of collage football players behind the man erupt with cheers. He shoots them a look. She takes off her top and the football players scream and high five. The man turns around and says "hey, chill out!" two minutes later into the show she removes her panties and the collage football players are all quite. smiling the guy turns around and says. "hey guys where's your enthusiasm now? one of the players answers " it's all over your fuckin back dude!"


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Jewelry

HAHAHA!! the first one was just wrong! but hillarious

i loved the other two!

LOL! the dildo one is great!

1st one is so wrong... and the Football Player one is disturbing, lol. The blind man one is gold, though.