[ Outline ] · Standard · Linear+ killing myself...

[Blue_Muppet]

man, i drink too much, smoke too much.

fuck, i have calluses on my fingers from opening beer bottles too often, and nicotine stains on my fingers from smoking too much...im only fucking 20 years old...

i hear stories of youth suicide, and i dont think 'damn, thats unfortunate', but instead think of how fucked things can be, how emotion, money, and life can get me down, nad how im not alone, but alive...

why do i find life so hard as to resort to this crap? why do i listen to music that to most is depressing, but to me lifts me up for the companionship it provides for the feeling of depression that overwhlems me. fuck it why!?!?!?!?!

me, rant, needed to type this, dont care if you respond, just needed it...

[Messenger]

As others have said, many times it can be a phase .... at around that same age I had moved out of home to a new city, had a great job, active social life and a great bunch of friends - but some nights I would just tell my friends I had something else to do, and I would sit on the boot of my car in my open garage, in the dark, wearing headphones playing either heavy or depressive music, smoking and drinking a bottle of bourbon from start to finish - for hours - contemplating my life and thinking whether I'll ever achieve real happiness - or whether it was even worth waking up the next morning :(
I moved past that phase over time ... quite a long time though ....
Then, when I found out I had cancer I feel into a deep DEEP depression to the point where I almost topped myself that very night (broke pretty much every plate and glass in my house).... made it through that night and a few more with the help of booze ... but when I started treatment and saw the kids in the hospital being treated for leukemia it gave me some perspective and I battled through it. I'm currently in remission and happy with my life, but I still enjoy sitting in the dark listening to music and drinking occasionally.