[ Outline ] · Standard · Linear+ killing myself...

man, i drink too much, smoke too much.

fuck, i have calluses on my fingers from opening beer bottles too often, and nicotine stains on my fingers from smoking too much...im only fucking 20 years old...

i hear stories of youth suicide, and i dont think 'damn, thats unfortunate', but instead think of how fucked things can be, how emotion, money, and life can get me down, nad how im not alone, but alive...

why do i find life so hard as to resort to this crap? why do i listen to music that to most is depressing, but to me lifts me up for the companionship it provides for the feeling of depression that overwhlems me. fuck it why!?!?!?!?!

me, rant, needed to type this, dont care if you respond, just needed it...

hm.. I remember one day at school: a girl smiled for me while passing by (propably it was just for someone else but anyway.. it felt like she smiled for me). this caused me to think about that smile quite a lot. later I came to conclusion that I wanted to smile to others so that they might feel as good as I felt when I saw that smile. for some reason I now have about constant smile on my face.. :rolleyes:
plus, lately, I have been reading one book. one tip it said about smiling is this...

I admit I still get pretty bad depressions sometimes, might be I should see doctors about it but well.. still havent got to do that.hard to take the first step for me I assume. but good thing is that I seem to manage, apart from some moments which usually go off by sleepin.
well, anyway, I wasnt here to rant about my own bad feelings.. I dont know how the h*ll its possible, but yes, helping others helped me too. prolly one reason (along with feeling to be part of something) why I got so addicted to nfm too. I would guess its because of the smiley face others tend to get when one has managed to help them, all the more if its some unknown guy.. :)

This post has been edited by Deepone: Jun 2 2004, 08:26 PM