[ Outline ] · Standard · Linear+ killing myself...

man, i drink too much, smoke too much.

fuck, i have calluses on my fingers from opening beer bottles too often, and nicotine stains on my fingers from smoking too much...im only fucking 20 years old...

i hear stories of youth suicide, and i dont think 'damn, thats unfortunate', but instead think of how fucked things can be, how emotion, money, and life can get me down, nad how im not alone, but alive...

why do i find life so hard as to resort to this crap? why do i listen to music that to most is depressing, but to me lifts me up for the companionship it provides for the feeling of depression that overwhlems me. fuck it why!?!?!?!?!

me, rant, needed to type this, dont care if you respond, just needed it...

Amourdevin pointed out:

Amourdevin makes an important point. While taking drugs to control depression (and other life-altering diseases) is by no means ideal, it is a far better choice than attempting to cope with the problem alone.

My next younger brother has dealt with bipolar disorder for more than 25 years. None of the family, including my brother, was aware of the actual problem until he was diagnosed about a decade ago... we only knew that he could go from joy to depression -and back- with no warning at all.

Considering the fact that my brother is a genius by any standards you care to use, and has been described by Tim Berners-Lee (the "Father of the World Wide Web") and other luminaries as one of only perhaps 100 people in the world with such an incredible depth and breadth of knowledge of software systems, it was painful for his friends and family to see him race through bursts of mania-induced productivity - followed by extended periods (sometimes 6 months or more) of depression and self-isolation.

Medication helped for a while (6 or 7 years, as I remember), but eventually my brother decided that he preferred the "natural state" of cyclical mania and depression to the "managed state" his medications induced - mainly because he felt that his creatitive abilities had been muted by the drugs. He has been off the medications for several years now, and though he still suffers from occasional sudden mood swings, he credits the years of managing his disorder with drugs for his ability now to deal with his disease on his own terms.

Given the tremendous stress that disorders such as these can cause, and the emotional impact on the life of those who suffer from them (and the lives of those who love and care about them), there should NEVER be any stigma attached to the use of medications that can help the sufferer live a more satisfying, comfortable, and fulfilling life.

I bear living witness...
-ManX