Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ killing myself...

man, i drink too much, smoke too much.

fuck, i have calluses on my fingers from opening beer bottles too often, and nicotine stains on my fingers from smoking too much...im only fucking 20 years old...

i hear stories of youth suicide, and i dont think 'damn, thats unfortunate', but instead think of how fucked things can be, how emotion, money, and life can get me down, nad how im not alone, but alive...

why do i find life so hard as to resort to this crap? why do i listen to music that to most is depressing, but to me lifts me up for the companionship it provides for the feeling of depression that overwhlems me. fuck it why!?!?!?!?!

me, rant, needed to type this, dont care if you respond, just needed it...

Hey I've been through that phase too and you'd better pull yourself out of it coz if you don't it can become second nature and you would be like in and out of depressive spells all the time. Pulling yourself out of it is easier said than done. To begin with stop listening to depressive music and watching movies that have the same effect. Don't philosophise too much about things like the meaning life and how difficult it can be and so on. In fact avoid all "deep" discussions (with yourself and with others) and try to adapt a happy-go-lucky attitude. I hope the administration of the board is not becoming too much for you (I've noticed that it's been a hectic time for you lately) and if it is be very open and frank about it. And don't be ashamed to consult a psychologist.

thanks for your concern mate.

first of all, nForums provides a needed release for me. its never a stress :)

secondly, i've tried that, but attempts to move on seem to lead to inappropriate outbursts, and i think otherwise when attempting that.

also, i have seen professionals about this, and all they seem to recommend are drugs...fuck that. i am what i am, and im not into drugs to fix me...

as for depressing music, i seem to find that as a relative problem. i dont really listen to anything on a related topic, in fact some of my friends find it uplifting.

my problems seem to stem from the obscure...

i have money, full education, a high-paying job etc etc

my girlfriend is a social worker, so hence i know there are people much worse off than me, but yet i still struggle...

so far art work is my only release...

Artistic types are usually sensitive and prone to what you are going through. It's usually difficult to find the cause of your depression. When you think about it you've got everything an average guy would want. You are right about the professionals prescribing drugs. The possitive side about drugs like Prosac is that they bring you into a mood where you can see life in a different light (normally you are too depressed to see it that way). And looking on the bright side of life can become second nature. At that point you don't need the drugs any more. There are very few therapists who give you "coaching" without prescribing drugs. I have a colleague who has found such a therapist. Anyway I would stay open to all kinds of treatment. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Been there on a few occasions so Im talking from experience. The one thing that helped me the most was counsel. Be it a professional psychiatrist or a good social work counseller. Sometimes all you need to do is purge yourself of all the negitive stuff that builds up inside. If you have the money, I would highly recommend seeing a good psychiatrist, because they can help you to interpret your internal/subconscious emotions, and eliminate that feeling of helplessness. It worked for me!

Sometimes when everything is right peeps strugle the most. They actualy strugle coz they don't have any probs to focus on. So they are kinda lost as of what to do. The only solution to this is to find something and work on that. Or do as I do, head for the internet and try helping others :)

I totally agree. Its surprising what helping others can do when you are depressed or just hate the way things are going in your life. We ALL need an escape but helping others is the best escape there is!

Exact the Opposite with me :D


OnT: I feel with you Blue_Muppet !!!

thanks guys. i feel much better today...well, not much better, but a whole heap happier for now :)

DK, Kilroy: im thirding that motion :)

Clinical depression is often not the result of your environment or will but a lack of free neurotransmitters (e.g., serotonin, norepinephrine) in your body. Being the problem is often organic, the solution often is also. Members of my family swear by Effexor. These are not "happy" pills . . . they are "normal" pills.

Studies show that the most effective treatments are both drugs and counseling.

So if i understand you right, if you are suffering from Clinical depression you have to take pills all your life.

As others have said, many times it can be a phase .... at around that same age I had moved out of home to a new city, had a great job, active social life and a great bunch of friends - but some nights I would just tell my friends I had something else to do, and I would sit on the boot of my car in my open garage, in the dark, wearing headphones playing either heavy or depressive music, smoking and drinking a bottle of bourbon from start to finish - for hours - contemplating my life and thinking whether I'll ever achieve real happiness - or whether it was even worth waking up the next morning :(
I moved past that phase over time ... quite a long time though ....
Then, when I found out I had cancer I feel into a deep DEEP depression to the point where I almost topped myself that very night (broke pretty much every plate and glass in my house).... made it through that night and a few more with the help of booze ... but when I started treatment and saw the kids in the hospital being treated for leukemia it gave me some perspective and I battled through it. I'm currently in remission and happy with my life, but I still enjoy sitting in the dark listening to music and drinking occasionally.

Not necessarily. For some yes. For others, clinical depression can go into long periods of remission. Some life events can trigger periods of depression that linger long after the normal psychological healing has occurred. The drugs can help lift one out of that dark chasm and into remission without the need for continued drug use. Others will have a life long dependency on them. The answer is not necessarily.

I suspect but do not conclude that the relative youth of some of the board members might be a factor and yes they might grow out of it similar to how people grow out of childhood asthma. Still, that is small comfort to someone who is enduring depression and drugs seem to be a small price to pay for relief and an opportunity to enjoy life as oppose to enduring it.

Taking drugs is not attractive but when you are locked into a feelings of despair and hopelessness with no apparent reason (the reasons are internally organic), it is definitely a superior alternative.

There is also a related condition called bipolar disorder where one endures alternating periods of mania and depression. Mania is not always easily recognized at first.

Newer drugs like Effexor start to work quicker and have less side effects than many of the older ones.

This post has been edited by amourdevin: Jun 2 2004, 02:26 PM

Can somebody change the title of the thread? It's extreme; kind of hits me every time i read it.

And what after the long periods of remission. Back on drugs? And what is the difference between "happy" pils and "normal" pils? Has it to do with how you feel after taking the pills? I'm curious because i read in the magazine "Psychology" some time back that some people's bodies do not make enough neurotransmitters so they have to take pills to compensate that which is more or less what you are saying.

Those of you who find this thread too depressive, sorry, but this is also part of life.

The topic title is up to BM...btw it suits his first post....