I was really sad today. I don't tell to many people on other forums, but I have been sliding downhill. A little over a year ago when I got this defib. implanted (it has a resynchronization device in it) I knew it was a stop gap measure. Little by little I have been losing the energy to do lots of things. Like walk a short distance, or stay awake for long.
A friend of mine validated that today. He said he has been watching me go downhill for awhile now. That the inplant gave me another year, and maybe I'd make it a year more. I had to not cry on the phone.
At least he didn't tell me to keep trying, as if I wasn't.
But I got really sad, and I don't know why.

I would like to kick your friends ass. Just a few times!!!

You are not going "downhill" Your body does maybe.

Are you scared?

I've asked my friend to be honest with me. It's hard for him too, so don't be too angry!

I'm not scared. Just sad. I know it will pass, the sad part. My sleep time is increasing now. It's a pretty good meter of things.

I wish my sleep times would increase, 23hours a day sleeping must be wonderful :-/

You're a goofball. I love that!!

Not doing very well at all. I'm waiting for the cardiologist to call back. Sometimes this is the scary part. Not the doctor, but the not doing well. I feel another angiogram looming. I hope not!!

All i can do is hope for you

I am doing pretty good since a few days. Hope you will too.

hope you two can manage it.. I'm healthy, or so they say, but I kinda think that at any moment I have to be prepared for death as well. When I was small child my heart echoed or something. in other words, the other side of heart pumped later than the other or double cycles or something. Been said it was so minor it didnt need a surgery, and that it had healed on itself.
well, I dont know about that since when I was 15 or so I had a heart-attack. before and after that my heart had ached pretty badly sometimes as well. luckily, that hasnt been so often lately. Just had some trouble with my hip, due to an injury that I got from the army (and their department of insurance say that it doesnt look like its caused by the accident I had there). I havent actually lived so bad life so far, even tho I have many times been very depressed.
In the end, I kinda think I have gained something from all this. I keep going forward, try not to look too much into past.. I try to enjoy all the little things in life. That spoon theory is quite good one tho, I hope you dont mind if I post it to my friends ? maybe it will be yet another chain-letter to circle the world, but maybe some would actually understand it. kinda know of persons who would put it onward as well, but I'll wait for your permission first.
Let's enjoy all the moments we have left. We dont exactly know how many of them we still have, but its worth it to have them. We never know what happens. And well, yes, I agree that there are things that one shouldnt know. Or they can get to be a huge burden. Or, a huge reserve of energy.

Permission granted Deepone.

That was a good posting. I liked a lot of your points and was wondering.... do you think a person has to go through a near brush to appreciate life? So many seem to think it's just a disposable thing. Gang shootings, etc.

Whatever happens with you Deepone, listen to what your body is telling you. Even if it means trips to the ER, you might just save yourself some damage.

I did something I have not done in a very long time. I talked heart to heart with my Dad. He died in 2000. He was my best friend. I guess i fully expected an answer from him, because I do believe he lives on. I've seen him. And I got what I needed. Just one sentence, but it gave me the strength to keep up the fight for life.

I went to the doctor's yesterday and the cardiologist the day before.

Some good news is that my fatigue is not due to my heart. It is still pumping away as good as it possibly can.

Yesterday I had blood tests for liver failure, anemia, and some sort of bone marrow problem. All which can be caused by the drugs I'm on. And they all can cause fatigue. I was also put on a new drug which should help keep me awake longer during the daytime. Today is my first day taking it.

Good luck with it, keep me informed!

You betcha, friend. And so far today this no sleep pill is helping a lot.

that's good to hear hope it has continued to work for you.
and ya.. its common to take health for granted, when it is a gift given or taken if I might say so. the same goes for life - unless someone nearby goes, its not easy to really understand its final farewell time. so people easily neglate how important it is to use the time they have, instead of wasting it.